It was the middle of the summer. I was entertaining the masses with entry after succulent blog entry. Sure I toot my own french horn here and there but don’t you think it’s worth it since I write the best shit in the history of the internet? So I’m trying out the whole satire thing and here comes Jewballs Elias Schulkin spewing a grotesque piece the size of a darn novel in response to my entry that was supposed to be taken in good fun. And then he has the nerve to force me to post it on my very own blog by holding me at gunpoint. When I say Jewballs by the way, I don’t mean it in an insulting or offensive way. As Adolph Hitler once so elegantly put it, “We should round up all those Jews, put them in a concentration camp, and brutally murder them in large numbers.” That was a pretty harsh thing to say, Adolph 1. I will redeem myself, and I refuse to resort to Elias’s lowly mudslinging tactics.
Having said that, is Elias Schulkin illiterate? Yes he is. You’re wondering, he just wrote a twenty page critique of you how in the world could he be illiterate? Well, let’s take a look at that little number he wrote: “he has the rugged good looks of a Kurdish goat farmer”. Stop right there. The only human ever to use the words Kurdish and goat in the same sentence in an attempt to poke fun at me is one Glenn Schulkin, father of aforementioned Elias Schulkin. This is a clear sign of blatant plagiarism; Glenn wrote the diss for Elias. And frankly, to me it doesn’t come as a surprise because Elias happens to have a long history of having Glenn do his dirty chores for him. Glenn took Elias’s place in the 5th Grade Spelling Bee, took Elias’s road test to get him his driver’s license, spit game at young girls so Elias could swoop in and fornicate with them later, and most recently even signed off on a house so Elias could vacation for a week. It’s actually pretty safe to say that Elias doesn’t do anything for himself.
You’ve undoubtedly come to terms with Elias’s laziness at this point but may still have reservations about him being illiterate. Besides, Elias is an ardent reader of fantasy novels. Or is he? Elias is a self-professed expert on The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the Harry Potter series, the True Blood series, and the Twilight series. Don’t you think it’s a little peculiar that everything that Elias claims to have read also happens to have a correlating movie? Of course, when you ask him what he thought of the movies, he’ll say, “Dude, the book was so much better”. The Schulkins come from a lineage of remarkable salesmen, but in this instance he comes short of selling me on his bullshit. That’s exactly what someone who is illiterate would want people to think he thought of the movies. Nice try, Jewballs.
I’m not going to bore my readers with paragraphs of fluff and little content. Here at The Penske Files we like to keep it short and sweet. Your shit has been sonned Elias Schulkin, and now I’m moving on because you’re no longer worth my precious time. After you have Glenn read this to you, please have him give me a call. I found a fresh supply of Kurdish goats in the Amazon River basin using GoogleEarth, and we can definitely make a killing on it because you know those Egyptians can always use a Kurdish goat or two.
1. Everyone loves a good old fashioned Jew joke involving furnaces and ovens. I give people one little history lesson, and everyone is up in arms all of a sudden. Shutuuuuuupp.
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