remember that one time?

Hey guys . . . I have been slacking hard with updates, but not with drinking. A wise man once wrote that. All week I’ve been thinking about this second post. With all the success and endorsements that came following the first blog – enterprise rent-a-car, toys r us, Nielsen company, just to name a few – I suddenly became overwhelmed with the pressure of writing a second installment that could hold a torch to the first one. People come up to me on the street and ask me. “Hey squeaks, how are you so funny?” “You wanna go to subway? We should go to the one in the student center, they don’t charge a sales tax.” “What should I do about my girlfriend? I really like her but sometimes I just wanna slit her throat." Stuff like that. All this publicity has really got me stressed out but I realized I just need to do what I do best – share my ideas with all of you on the latest soft drinks I’ve been testing out.

^TOOLBAG

First up, seltzer water. What I love about seltzer water is that it is pure carbonated water in your face. No flavor, no bullshit. Some people say they prefer seltzer water’s distant cousin mineral water and these people should go fuck themselves. Mineral water gives rise to such ludicrous companies like Perrier. The only thing we need to know about Perrier is that it is French.

Let’s take a look at some of the other things the French have given us. The Statute of Liberty.

Okay, not bad.

Remington Koch. Now here’s this French dude, who is from France and shit. He is a real person, you can look him up on facebook and he’ll probably have a gay ass picture. Also, I’ve heard he goes around at night and smears his feces on people’s cars. Now we can’t be sure of this because it is based completely on hearsay. What we do know for sure, however, is that he is definitely a homosexual. Now am I saying being gay is wrong or that gay people do not deserve the same liberties as his fellow man? No, not at all. Am I saying we should tar, feather, and burn Remy Koch alive because he is a homosexual? Precisely. Rise, my friends, and dispose of this parasite before he compromises your car’s windshield, and more importantly, the freedom of your country.

P.S. This is exclusively for the internet police. I’m not sure if you exist internet police, but I’ve been told you do. Remy is actually a friend of mine, and not the worst person in the world. I’m not even completely sure that he’s gay. Just wanted to let you know that, internet police.