The Finale

Some of this . . . some of that. A novel idea. But you know what they say. All good things come to an end, sometimes. Firstly, I’d like to thank Nashman Davenport for inspiring this project. Without you, I’d probably be spending these extra 30 minutes of my life wondering about who was so completely frustrated with me that they had to break my car’s windshield. Or maybe they thought my car was Rob Jordan’s car, who knows. Who am I kidding, I spend hours coming up with this shit, pour my heart and soul into it. You sample a couple of beers, big fucking deal. You’re not fooling anyone - it all tastes like shit, I don’t care how hoppy it is. “Ohhh beak-daddy, why the finale so soon?” You try seriously writing about soft drinks asshole, and don’t call me beak-daddy. Alright, that’s enough cursing. Anyone can get some cheap laughs by dropping an f-bomb here and an a-fart there. Let’s get this ball rolling for reals. Am I going to poppycock for the first couple of paragraphs? Probably. Will rhetorical questions serve as the backbone of my blog yet again? Arrest my case. Yes, arrest it.

The soft drink of choice for this milestone blog will be Canada Dry.

This may be surprising, given I spent much of my last entry informing you, the masses, about the superiorities of American free market capitalism to the socialist, ludicrous tendencies of the socialist French regime run by the tyrant they call Sarkozy. It may now seem confusing that I introduce a drink whose roots are synonymous with the unspeakable sin that is universal healthcare. Now, I never meant my blog to be a discourse on the political leanings of the times, so let’s get back to reviewing soft drinks. What I adore about Canada Dry is its logo’s classic mark of feudal supremacy, the crown representing the total dominance the royalty enjoyed over its measly peasants. What about the taste you ask? Canada Dry tastes exactly like that time you shoved three horseshoes up your asshole just because you were feeling a little curious. I don’t make up the rules so don’t ask me how that has anything to do with taste.

Yeah, that about sums it up. Remember though, sometimes it’s just as funny to bomb as it is to entertain. If I wanted people to take anything away from all of this, it would be that I don’t give much of a shit about anything, even futile blogs. I hope you had as much fun reading these hollow thoughts as I did writing them. People have come to terms with the inane idea that because something has never occurred, it will never occur in the future. Rest in peace Karl Marx and Freddy Engels.